Janice’s mother was endlessly critical about the guys she dated. Her mother always found fault with something. Either the guy wasn’t smart enough or hardworking enough or his parents weren’t from the “right side of town.” Her mom would push her friend’s children on Janice. One time, Janice let her mom give out her phone number. The guy seemed nice enough on the phone, until she found herself sitting across the lunch table with a guy whose arms were so hairy that she lost her appetite!
Part of what made Janice’s life so stressful was that she was a perfectionist. She was always trying to look perfect, have perfect hair and nails, have the perfect body, have shoes that matched her purse. Her life was exhausting! She was very hard on herself and was always judging herself against her body, her life, her career development. With all of this pressure and dislike of herself, she also found it hard to love others.
By being a perfectionist and so hard on herself, she was not able to make herself vulnerable to others. She would judge each and every guy she dated. Her favorite line was, “He’s not a 10!” She would go on a few dates just until they reached the point that she would back away from any intimacy. A couple years ago she went to a Club Med in Aruba. She met one guy that was particularly wonderful. Alec was terrific except that he was from Montreal, thousands of miles away from her. They agreed to try a long distance relationship for a while and the excitement was palpable! Every evening they skyped or talked on the phone. They texted back and forth all day-long exchanging minor updates and clever witticisms. They would spend lots of time planning trips back and forth. And after the long-weekend reunion, they would spend countless hours longing for each other. This lasted for a couple of years.
But then Alec wanted more. She had a comfortable life in New Jersey and didn’t want to move away from the United States. He had a successful dental practice and couldn’t easily pick up and move. She had finally found this great guy and now he seemed out of her reach.
Has this happened to you? What advice would you give to someone in this situation?
Please share your response in the comments section below.